Hockey fans, rejoice. It’s that time of the year we’ve all been waiting for. The beginning of the Stanley Cup Playoffs? Not yet. The World Juniors? No, that already happened.
No, boys and girls. We are a little over a week away from NHL All-Star Weekend. Excited, right?!? I knew you would be.
For the first time in two-decades, the NHL ASW returns to Sunrise, FL. Your’s truly was there last time, I have the shirt to prove it.
How Has ASW Changed In Two-Decades?
The NHL All-Star Weekend has always broken into two events, the same as it currently does.
Friday night is the skills competition. Saturday afternoon is the game. That hasn’t changed.
Back in the old days there were only “skill” events for the skills competition. Thankfully, they still exist for the most part; hardest shot, fastest skater and accuracy were/are always the crowd pleasers. Even during the days of Fox’s glow-puck, things weren’t too ridiculous.
But now it’s 2023. So there is obviously going to be some forced, cringe-inducing events that the NHL-brass think are “hip and cool”. Can you imagine a think-tank of the worst sober-people at a party, huddled-up in a room and bouncing ideas around to make the skills competition more, “Tweetable”?
I can. I’m also not wrong. Check out this schedule of events, thanks to ESPN:
There are three new NHL All-Star skills competition events this season:
- Splash Shot: Taking place on the beach in Fort Lauderdale, there will be eight shooters, two on each divisional team. Players will compete head-to-head and are required to hit all targets before attempting to dunk their opponents.
- Pitch ‘n Puck: Using a combination of hockey and golf shots, six NHL All-Stars will play a par-4 course featuring an island green. Lowest score wins the competition. If there’s a tie for the fewest shots, the longest drive will determine the winner.
- Tendy Tandem: One goalie from each division will be designated the shooting goalie and one the in-net goalie. The shooting goalie from a division will take a shot from a designated mark at a net. Three points will be earned if the shot goes in the hole, two points if the shot hits the in-net target and no points if the shot misses the net. The in-net goalie from the opposing division will face 3, 2 or 1 player(s), depending on the points earned by the shooting goalie. A save earns the in-net goalie the points, based on the number of players faced. The goalie tandem with the most total points.
That almost makes the NHL Awards seem like must-see-TV. Take the reigns away from the Canadian decision-makers, please. I’d like to blame them for this. It’s just perfectly milquetoast and cornball enough that it had to be created while smoking the lettuce and watching The Kids In The Hall.
What The Hell Are We Doing?
Ok. I’m going to try and approach this rationally and without too much judgment.
Yeah, that didn’t work.
What kind of idiotic group of simpletons came up with this shit? Seriously. I could get three people I know that have no clue about hockey, feed them Jager, and they would come up with better filler. Wow.
I get that hockey is considered the “fourth major sport” in the US, but this is beyond embarrassing. You aren’t going to go win new fans and grow the game by doing shameful and cheesy events like those.
I mean, “Tendy Tandem”. Really?
That sounds like something Gary Bettman does in his hotel room with a prostitute. Get this shit outta here.
I was thinking about driving the hour south to attend the skills competition next Friday evening. I still might. But, dammit. Don’t make me embarrassed to go watch the real events. I don’t need to see Gary Bettman dressed like Marv Albert, getting chased around by some seedy-hooker from Tamarac while Nickelback plays.
I need brain bleach. BB.
But like an abused husband, I’ll watch this trainwreck as intel.
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